


condemned to repeat

by brofluvski



Series: on & on [2]
Category: South Park
Genre: Bad Flirting, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Eric Cartman in Drag, Flirting, Kyman - Freeform, M/M, Mention of Nichole Daniels, Mention of Token Black, Scheming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 23:59:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17949674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brofluvski/pseuds/brofluvski
Summary: Kyle gets dumped, but Cartman has a genius plan to win her back, that totally, doesn't benefit himself, at like,all.





	condemned to repeat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leere/gifts).



> s/o to shay. also, s/o to this prompt bc it gave me the opportunity to do a plot that seems almost kinda sorta feasible in canon...? I suppose.
> 
> ***
> 
>  
> 
> _\- part of my one-shot request series from tumblr. -_
> 
>  
> 
> feel free to send me other reqs [here](https://kylebiased.tumblr.com/post/183007939819/drabbles-send-me-characters-and-a-prompt)!
> 
> ✿HMU✿  
> discord: lai#1475  
> peep my sp [tumblr](https://kylebiased.tumblr.com/) (also @kylebiased if the link doesn't work!)

“I still don’t understand at all how you’d think that’s a good idea.”

“Because, Kyle, it’ll make her jealous.”

“This whole thing feels like it’s just gonna backfire right in my fucking face.”

“Kyle, it won’t, I swear!”

It’d been one week. One week, since Nichole Daniels, had dumped Kyle. She’d been so nice, too, but eventually, all of the girls Kyle had dated became fed up with him constantly ditching them or bailing on dates — sometimes halfway through — just because Eric Cartman needed help. Eric Cartman had done something stupid and fucked up and gotten himself into a sticky situation and he needed his supplementary boyfriend to come to his aid.

“So, you’re just suggesting I use some poor, helpless girl, to win back Nichole?” Kyle asked. They were sitting on his coach, with  _Family Guy_ on in the background. This position had become all too familiar in recent years...Cartman showing up at Kyle’s unsolicitedly and plopping down on his couch. Sometimes he had some sort of “offer” for Kyle. Something that could,  _would_ lead to trouble no doubt, but Kyle always let him in regardless...even when he complained about whatever Kyle was watching (be it  _Family Guy_ or some pretentious documentary) and ate all his food and annoyed him to no extent...sometimes he went over to Cartman’s too, but Kyle’s had the better TV and newer Xbox...

“Oh, please, Kyle, we both know you’re not beyond using people to look good,” Cartman rolled his eyes.

“Actually, I am,” Kyle glared. “I’m not a total sociopath like you are.”

_“Freaky…”_

“Although... _although…”_ Kyle pondered. “Maybe, you’re right. Asking another girl out...y’know, Nichole and I were never  _that_ close. Maybe it’d be easier to get over her.”

Cartman blinked, laughing tentatively. No, no, no, he didn’t want Kyle to take out another girl. That wasn’t part of  _any_ plan. “Well, I guess I just thought you were above using another girl to make Nichole jealous.”

“I am!” Kyle insisted. “This is...different.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Oh, really?” Kyle scoffed. “Then, what do you suggest as an alternative?”

“Date  _me.”_

He had to be fucking with him. Kyle narrowed his eyes in disbelief; he was fucking around with him. Cartman was  _always_ fucking around with him. Even if they were...  _kinda..._ friends...it didn’t make him  _trustworthy._ He was cocking a big, shit-eating grin and Kyle  _hated_ it.

“Fuck off.”

“No, Kyle, I’m serious!” Cartman tugged at his sleeve. “Kyle, you don’t  _need_ a girl, you have me!”

“I’m not  _gay,”_ Kyle glared. “Nichole already thought I was gay once, no thanks to you, now you want me to go  _back_ again?”

“No, asshole,” he rolled his eyes. “Date... _Erica.”_

_“No.”_

“Kyle…”

“You are not roping me into this.”

“C’mon, Kyle!” he insisted. “You said you wanted to avoid hurting another girl, right?”

“So I go on a date with... _you,_ in a wig,” Kyle shook his head. “That’s a great fucking idea.”

“I know, right.”

“I’m being  _facetious,”_ Kyle snapped.

“Don’t use big words on me!”

“You’re insane.”

“And y’know who’ll  _go_ insane?” Cartman raised a brow, leaning in closer to Kyle. They always sat facing each other. It was unconscious. “When you show up to a restaurant...on a  _date..._ with a hot girl...who  _isn’t_ her.”

“You’re full of shit,” Kyle muttered. “What wig are we even talking about here?”

“The blonde one.”

If Kyle had to —  _had to_ — admit...which wig he preferred on Cartman...which he  _really_ didn’t want to, but he would...it’d be the blonde wig. The blonde wig was long and wavy and bouncy. Weirdly enough, Kyle wasn’t really that into blondes. Brunettes were usually more of his “type”. Cartman  _himself_ had chestnut brown hair. The soft-looking kinda, that got in his eyes…

Maybe he wasn’t exactly  _bad-looking._ Kyle didn’t actually think Cartman’s weight made him  _unattractive._ He was even  _less_ “not unattractive” in that blonde wig. And Kyle hated that the concept of Cartman in a wig and lipstick suddenly impaired all judgment...

Cartman made it work, even if he hated himself for thinking that.

“Okay…”

“And that little black dress. Y’know the one my mom used to wear hooking.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Kyle groaned. Cartman’s home life petrified him. “How do you even  _fit_ into that thing?”

“Really, really well,” Cartman grinned. It was so easy to rile Kyle up if he wanted to. He liked the way his cheeks reddened and his voice got low and  _had_ to avoid eye contact. Cartman knew Kyle was into him, god  _fucking_ damnit, the fact that he wasted his time with girls he knew Kyle didn’t realistically give a  _shit_ about, pissed him off to no extent.

“Well...well, if we  _did_ do this,” Kyle shrugged. “You’d have to wear makeup. And you can’t make any crass jokes, Cartman, don’t give me away.”

“Kyle!” he feigned shock. “What kind of guy do you take me for?”

“No. Don’t do that,” Kyle glared. “I know you all too well.”

“If anything,  _Kyle,_ you’re gonna be the one to fuck this up,” he scoffed. “I’ve seen you on dates, you’re not that  _smooth.”_

_“What?”_

_“...what?”_

“When have  _you_ ever seen me on a date?”

He shrugged. “...it’s a figure of speech.”

“Are you  _watching_ me?!”

_“NO!”_

“This is stupid. I give up,” Kyle shook his head, getting up off of the couch. Cartman tugged on his wrist, dragging him back downward.

“Knock it  _off,_ Cartman, why am I even leaving, this is  _my_ house!”

“Kyle,  _wait._ Kyle, we  _have_ to do this!”

 _“Why?”_ he glared.

“‘Cause Nichole is already back with Token! They’re going out  _tonight!”_ Cartman widened his eyes. “Do you really want her getting back  _that_ quickly with her  _ex?_ You have to get back in there before it’s too late!”

Kyle hesitated. He never believed Cartman immediately, though he often wanted to. “How do you know that?”

“I follow Nichole on Twitter. Duh,” he rolled his eyes. “C’mon, Kyle. This is your  _last shot_ at getting her back.”

“Wow...I can’t believe this,” Kyle sighed. “What am I doing  _wrong?”_

He was spending all of his spare time with Eric Cartman. Even the time that was supposed to be reserved for Nichole. It seemed obvious, but apparently not.

“Now, Kyle...don’t get so down about it,” Cartman took his hand. Sometimes when Kyle was too busy stuck in self-pity mode, he could get away with things like that. “See, that’s what the  _plan_ is for. We’re gonna save your relationship.”

“I don’t know,” he murmured. “I mean, I even don’t think we can be convincing as a couple.”

“Sure, we can...we hold hands... _cuddle…”_ Cartman snaked his arm around Kyle’s. “I’ll even let you stick your hand down my shirt.”

“That is  _not_ something I’d ever do on a first date.”

“Yeah, well no wonder you keep getting dumped,” he glared. “If you ever listened to  _me_ instead of whatever faggy dating advice Stan is giving out, you’d be  _fucking_  pussy. Not just  _a_ fucking pussy.”

“You’re being ridiculous. What the hell do you even know about  _dating,_ Cartman?” Kyle narrowed his eyes. “How are  _you_ even benefitting from this?”

“I get a free meal. Duh,” Cartman scoffed. “And then, I dunno...maybe you can  _return_ the favour some time.”

“Oh, no, I don’t like being in debt to you,” Kyle glared. “What does that even entail?”

“Y’know. Nothing unfair, Kyle, I’m a fair person,” he shrugged. “Maybe someday I’ll need a fake boyfriend and then I’ll know where to find one.”

“Fake  _boyfriend?”_ Kyle raised a brow. “Oh, so you really meant it when you came out last year?”

“No, Kyle. I told everyone I’m a huge fucking  _fag_ for attention,” he rolled his eyes. “God, you’re so  _homophobic.”_

“I am  _not_ a homophobe!” Kyle snapped. “You know how supportive I am of the LGBE...T…Q…”

 _“No,_ babe.”

“Whatever. I’m still not gonna agree to be your fake boyfriend,” Kyle glared. “You’re gonna use it against me somehow, I just know it.”

“But you’d be my  _real_ boyfriend?”

“Watch it.”

 _“Kyle…”_ Cartman frowned, locking their fingers back together. “Kyle, you know I’d never hold anything like that against you. I’m just looking out for you. I’m trying to  _help_ you and I thought that maybe...someday...you could do the same...we’re friends by now, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled. Kyle was aware they were holding hands, but Cartman already pulled so many semi-flirtatious stunts like this, it had become normalized. Granted, Kyle was the only one he did it to, but still. “I guess we are…”

“So, when I ask if you  _trust_ me, the answer should be…”

Kyle sighed. Cartman’s hands were a bit sweaty, like always, but something about the sudden display of affection disarmed Kyle’s common sense. “Well...alright, I guess it’s a good idea, but if you so much as  _try_ anything funny…”

“I won’t, Kyle. I swear on my life...no funny business from me,” he nodded. “We’re gonna make Nichole  _so_ jealous.”

“Okay. Fine,” he begrudgingly agreed. “I guess we can go along with your plan.”

Cartman beamed, rising to his feet. He  _knew_ Kyle couldn’t say ‘no’. He  _knew_ he was Kyle’s metaphorical Achilles’ Heel; he knew he’d always win. Experience should have been enough for Kyle to veto all of Cartman’s schemes, and yet, they never stopped falling back into the same old patterns. “Pick me up at 7.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kyle mumbled. “I’ll see you then.”

And he watched regretfully, as Cartman made his way to the front, waving flirtatiously before slipping outside and slamming the door shut behind him. Kyle always went into these discussions reminding himself to just say ‘NO’ and block Cartman out when he persisted, but as usual, he’d failed. He failed  _every_ time; Cartman just  _knew_ how to play him and every damn time Kyle  _thought_ he was anywhere close to a triumph, he gave in.

And he  _knew_ he was being played.

Maybe he kind of  _liked_ the games.

Cartman  _knew_ Kyle liked the games they played.

He also knew that Kyle had been nothing more than a rebound for Nichole and this plan was doomed to fail, but it had also never been about  _Nichole_ or  _Token_ or doing a good deed. Cartman was Cartman and he was only ever all about  _one_ thing.

So, he reached for his iPhone the moment he stepped out the door, searching through his texts.

“That asshole was so sure it’d never happen,” he giggled. “But just  _wait_ until Kenny finds out I’ve got a date with Kyle.”

He was that one thing.

Cartman was only ever all about  _Kyle._


End file.
